


you bleed just to know you're alive

by catalyst_control



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bahrain, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Melinda May, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Major Character Injury, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Phil and May Centric, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, married au, slightly canon complaint, what if
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:41:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27754003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catalyst_control/pseuds/catalyst_control
Summary: what if may and phil were married during the events of agents of shield?
Relationships: Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie & Melinda May, Leo Fitz & Melinda May, Maria Hill & Melinda May, Melinda May & Agents of SHIELD Team, Melinda May & Jemma Simmons, Melinda May & Natasha Romanov, Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Melinda May & Yo Yo Rodriguez, Nick Fury & Melinda May, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 24
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ok so i know this is one of the most cliche tropes but i just had to. i have this planned out, and i hope to make it a full length book.
> 
> some things to know, its probably not the greatest, but i tried and i enjoy it. it will slightly stick to canon mainly because i need it as a guide, but there are a lot of things that will be changed. updates will probably be slow because i suck at updating
> 
> that's what i've got for you. if you enjoy leave a comment, they make my day!
> 
> title from iris by goo goo dolls

Her fingers shook as she typed away at the small screen of her cell phone. Through tears she sent the message that she hoped to god he would see. She twisted nervously at the ring that hung securely from the chain around her neck. Her heart beat quickly in her chest as time felt as though it was creeping slowly just to mess with her. 

Every passing second without a text back from Phil caused Melinda's chest to tighten. She placed the phone down on her desk, _staring at it won't make a text come any faster,_ she reasoned with herself. Not a minute later, the familiar ringtone echoed throughout the empty room as she hastily picked up the phone. The phone kept ringing as she stared at the caller ID. _Hill._ She tried to force down every feeling of dread that had filled her chest as she answered the call. 

"Hill?" She mentally cursed herself for the shakiness in her voice. 

"Agent May. I assume you know what's been going on."

"Some alien invasion. Barton's been compromised. Phil is on the hellicarrier. That's as much as I know." She swallowed that lump of uneasiness that had settled in her throat waiting for the woman to respond. 

"Loki. Brother of Thor. Unsure what he's actually here for. Most we know is that he wants Earth." Melinda scoffed. _Of course._ "Barton attacked the carrier, with help."

Melinda stopped her before she could go any further. "Are you sure we should be discussing this? I'm not a field agent, Hill. I don't have any type of authority."

"I don't care. Not right now." Melinda was surprised by the bluntness. While Maria was straight forward with everything she had to say, there was a forcefulness behind her words. "The carrier was attacked. Loki escaped. Your absolute dumb ass husband confronted him. Alone." Melinda's head immediately started spinning and her chest rose and fell faster than before. "Loki got him. Stabbed him. Through the chest. They called it on the scene."

It had felt like the earth stopped spinning. She tried to process the words, tried to create some sort of reaction to the news. It was like her brain had switched off. She felt empty, not truly comprehending the gravity of what Maria has said. "I'm sorry, May." Maria's voice cut through the prolonged silence. Quickly Melinda took the phone from her ear and pressed the 'end call' button before dropping it onto the wooden desk. 

Phil couldn't be dead. Once this was all over he was going to walk through the doors and go on a rant about how stressful it was. Then he'd take her in his arms and begin talking about how _totally awesome_ it was to work with the Avengers. He'd talk about meeting Captain America and the shit Romanoff and Barton had gotten themselves into. Without thinking, she grabbed the hanging chain before tugging down and breaking the clasp that sat on the back of her neck. She slipped the ring off the chain and threw the broken material to the side. She slipped the silver band onto her ring finger before holding her hands close to her chest. There she sat, holding her hands close to her chest, face void of any true emotion. The bright phone screen illuminated the dark room, projecting the last text Melinda had sent to the familiar number. 

"Please be careful. I love you, Phil."

********

It was grey, the whole world was grey. Exactly the type of day you would expect for a funeral. A part of her wished it wasn't. She wished the sun would shine. Phil wouldn't want to be buried on such a gloomy day. She shook the thought away as she slipped on her black shoe. Just one more black accessory, fitting for a widow. 

She took a deep breath as she forced herself from the chair she was sitting in. A subtle knock on the door caused her to grab her umbrella before heading towards the sound. She opened it to find Maria, dressed in a black pant suit. The woman offered a small smile before stepping out of the way and letting Melinda through. She walked through the threshold, closing the door behind her and walking away. She opened the passenger side door to Maria's car and slipped in, quietly buckling the seat belt as the other woman started the car. 

No words were exchanged between the pair the entire car ride. Melinda simply stared out the window, watching as small water droplets raced each other down the glass. Her heartbeat picked up as they inched closer towards the funeral home. As Maria parked, Melinda mentally prepared herself for the service. Preparing herself for the many condolences she was going to receive. The sympathetic looks she would get the entire time. 

"May?" Maria spoke up, breaking Melinda's concentration. "You ready?" It was a dumb question really. How could anyone possibly be prepared to bury their husband?

She thought for a second, wondering if she should just lie to get Maria off her back. With a quick glance Melinda responded. "No." Before opening the door and getting out. 

Life around her bustled as she walked toward the big wooden doors. By sheer willpower she made it into the building and was immediately bombarded by the sympathetic stares. She had decided days prior that she wasn't going to show up until the last possible minute. She couldn't sit around knowing Phil was _right there_ as she waited for everyone to show up. She stared straight ahead as she walked, her shoes leaving a small sound in her wake.

She immediately sat in the front pew on her right. Maria walked up and slid in beside her. Nothing was said until Fury made his way to the front and began speaking. Speaking about Phil and how great of a man he _was._ All the things Phil _used_ to do. Melinda couldn't stand the use of everything in past tense. She couldn't stand hearing her husband talked about as if he was some Renaissance painter. A man who _used_ to do things. 

She was derailed from her train of thought as she heard her name being spoken by Fury. 

" _Melinda_ ," Her first name was foreign coming from his mouth. "knew him better than anybody else." That was her cue. Stand up and speak. She slowly got to her feet and walked to the middle of the room. She stared at the floor until she finally had the courage to look up. It was a small affair. Phil would have wanted it that way. She examined each of them. 

Romanoff and Barton right next to each other, the guilt in Barton's eyes ran deeper than the sympathy in Romanoff's. Banner sat off to the side, staring at his hands, twisting them together nervously. Stark and Pepper, her hand clasped on tightly to his. Stark's usually smug expression was replaced with sorrow. Pepper had tears staining her cheeks. Rogers. She could practically hear Phil's voice in her head. _Steve Rogers, Melinda! It's Steve Rogers!_ A small smile threatened to chip at her mask. She quickly shook it off and opened her mouth. 

The first attempt was met with nothing more than silence. She quickly closed her mouth again before reopening and finally speaking. "Phil was," God did she hate past tense, " the best thing to ever happen to me. I wouldn't be where I am without Phil." She mentally slapped herself for the way she phrased the compliment. _You're speaking at his funeral, dumb ass._ "He deserved better than me. I pushed him away. He didn't care. He always came back. No matter how much I convinced myself that it was better for him to be as far away as possible from me, he didn't care. He constantly broke through that barrier of self doubt that I put between us. He loved me." Past tense. _Loved._ "And I love him." She loves him. No matter if he's dead, she still loves him. There's no past tense to her love for Phil Coulson. She loves him and will continue to love him. 

She tried to continue but that lump of grief had secured itself in her throat, allowing nothing more than a sob to escape. She hadn't even realized the tears that were running down her face. She had so much more she wanted to say. She just couldn't. She'd save her words for a later date. Melinda stood there and cried before making her way back to the front pew with Maria. Maria placed a comforting hand on top of Melinda's, securing it tightly after Melinda had flinched away. 

Nick continued to speak and Melinda continued to cry. She didn't hear the last part of what he was saying before it was time to carry him away. Stark, Banner, Barton, Fury, and Rogers (with the addition of a funeral home staff member) positioned themselves and picked the wooden casket off of the pedestal. They carried it the short distance from the home to the cemetery that was set up beside it. 

Her movements felt sluggish as they placed the casket onto some sort of a contraption. The most she knew about the metal object was that it would lower Phil down. Beside the massive hole in the ground was a basket full of flowers. Roses. Red. Simple. Because Phil enjoyed the simple things. 

One by one the attendees grabbed a rose and placed it on top of the polished wood. First Rogers. She heard Phil's voice in her head again. _Captain America just put a flower on my casket. Steve Rogers is at my funeral._ Her heart ached with wishing. Wishing she didn't have to be here imaging Phil fanboying at his own funeral. Another tear escaped her puffy eye as Banner placed the second rose. Barton and Romanoff followed, placing a third and fourth. Barton's scorched voice broke through the silence. 

"I'm sorry." Melinda almost scoffed. It wasn't his fault. It was no one's fault. Other than that son of a bitch asgardian, no one was to blame. However, she knew deep down inside that the guilty feeling doesn't go away, no matter how much you acknowledge that it isn't your fault. Melinda still blames herself half the time and she knows the only thing that will change Barton's mind is time. 

Pepper placed the fifth, shortly followed by Stark who placed the sixth. She was almost surprised not to hear some snarky comment from Stark about Phil's first name being Agent or how he was a complete idiot for going after Loki alone. Fury stepped up next, a seventh red rose. 

"I'll make sure she takes care of herself. Granted she may kick my ass for trying, but I'll make sure." It surprised her to hear Fury say anything. He had already spoken practically the entire funeral, how was there anything else for him to say? It surprised her more to hear him speak so softly, the roughness of his "director voice" was gone, making a promise to a dead body. 

The presence beside her shifted as Maria stepped forward. Eight. Melinda waited until Maria had stepped to the side with everybody else before she even thought of moving. Her legs felt numb, she didn't even realize she was walking until she was standing beside the casket. She reached over and grabbed the delicate flower twisting it between her fingers before lifting it out of its basket. 

She carefully placed the ninth rose on the smooth wood. Her nails scraped slightly against the polish as she pulled her hand back. She laid her palm flat on the cold surface. More tears fell from her eyes as a whisper escaped her throat. 

"I wasn't there. I was supposed to be there." She had gone over the conversation a million times in her head. The casual exchange between husband and wife that had occurred before the nightmare. The calm before the storm. 

" _You know they're retiring this fleet?"_

_"About time. Fury's putting every dime into the Triskellion."_

_"Not every dime. Fury's quietly started a new initiative. Instead of this catch and release with powered people, we form a team. Take Earth's mightiest, find out if they're heroes."_

_"and you mention this because you want my help?"_

She could have been there. Right alongside him. Maybe he would be alive if she had been there. If she had just dealt with her trauma better, she could have convinced him to let one of the actual heroes handle it. She quickly threw away that thought. Phil was an actual hero. He put the world before himself. If it meant that lives would be saved, Phil would actively put himself into harm's way. He was everything that SHIELD stood for, made obvious by the fact that Fury chose him as the liaison to help with the Avengers Initiative. 

"I'm sorry for not being there."

********

"Agent May." A familiar voice echoed through the stapling and shuffling of papers. Practically every head turned to stare at the intruder, Melinda included. "Director Fury wants to speak with you." And with that, Maria was out the door, Melinda following stiffly behind. 

Her dress shoes made a soft noise as she followed a few paces behind Maria. She kept a steady breathing pattern as she walked, of course many thoughts of what this could be about crossed her mind. Another plea to go back in the field. News of another agent's passing. Teaching at the Academy. Every possibility ran through her mind as they approached the office. 

Maria opened the door, holding it open as Melinda stepped in. She tugged at the bottom of her button up as she stood in front of the dark wood desk. She held her hands behind her back, the fingers on her right twisted the cold band on her left ring finger. 

"Agent May."

"Director Fury." There was no tint of anything in her voice. No emotion. Just a clear voice. Fury threw down a file onto his desk and pointed at it. 

"Read it." She took a half step forward and grabbed it. Written across the front was a large 'Classified: Level Ten'. She thought about arguing, throwing the file back down and reminding him she was only level seven. She quickly decided against it, knowing that he called her for a reason and wanted her to read it for a reason. 

She opened it and quickly began reading. Her heartbeat quickened as she read it, slamming it shut and throwing it back on the desk. 

"What the hell, Fury? Why did I need to know that?" She was trying not to raise her voice and show how truly angry she was. She didn't want to know any of that, she had no reason to. 

"We've had a successful experiment." He threw down another file. She lifted it up again, the same clearance level was displayed on the front. She opened it before slamming it shut and dropping it on the floor. 

"No."

"May-"

"He's dead."

"He was. Now he's not."

"Because you used alien DNA on him! Fury what the actual hell?" Her voice was shaking, her whole body was shaking. She held her hands to her side, both of them in tight fists. 

"May it was successful. Phil is alive."

"You used experimental practices on him, switching his memories, putting alien DNA in him!" She repeated everything she had read from the file. Fury already knew these things, but she was too damn furious to even think about what was coming out of his mouth. "All the other test subjects exhibited terrible side effects days, weeks after."

"That's why we waited six months. We believed if we had more time we could fix the problems. And we did, he's fine."

Melinda scoffed. "Fine." She repeated the words with venom. Tears threatened to spill over, her thoughts were racing a mile a minute. Phil was _alive._ Her husband was _alive._ She should be happy, grateful even. Instead she was absolutely pissed off. Experiments like that should never be used on anyone and the idea of them being on her husband made her want to slap Fury across the face. 

"I didn't give the orders to have it done. I would have been fine if this hadn't been done." Fury moved from behind the desk to stand right in front of Melinda. "Melinda-" A death glare from the mentioned woman quickly silenced him. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to keep this from you. I know what he means to you."

"What he means to me-" The venom lacing her previous words didn't falter. "He means everything to me, Nick." She hadn't even realized she let his first name slip from her mouth. "He's my husband. You let the one person I love more than anything go through what must have been literal hell just so SHIELD could have some scientific advancement. I can't believe you." This was more emotion than she had shown in months. Phil's funeral had been a slip of emotion, more tears than anyone had seen since before Bahrain. She had been seen angry, she could always be angry. Sad had been a hard one to unlock. Five years of stored up tears had escaped during Phil's funeral. Even after everyone had left, she was still there, crying. Maria had stayed with her until she was finally ready to go home. Her tears had dried up in the car and were to never be seen again. Happy was something she had only felt with her husband, so after he was gone, there was not much other than anger. Anger had rarely let itself slip, only once or twice. Yet here she was yelling at Nick Fury on the verge of crying. 

"May I need you to form a team." Melinda just stared at him."Well, I need to make the parameters for a team. Phil wants to make his own team. He'll want you, which is what we want. You'll have to watch him."

"Why me? You could get any specialist. Any communications agent. Anybody but me. I haven't been in the field for almost six years, Fury."

"Because he trusts you. He'll always trust you. Even if he thinks he's been stuck in Tahiti for six months, and you know the truth, he'll trust you."

"And when he finds out? Don't try and tell me he won't find out, because he will. He finds out that I knew the entire time and he's going to hate me. I just got him back, Fury. I can't stand to lose him again."

"He'll understand." Fury sounded so confident, so sure of himself. That smug little smile that was painted on his face made Melinda seethe. She had to hold herself back from reaching up and slapping him. Instead she just shook her head and turned around, heading towards the door. He hadn't dismissed her, she didn't care. She was seconds away from kicking his ass and if she stayed in that room any longer, she would have. 

"You'll have the team by tomorrow."

********

She heard the soft patter of shoes on the floor, but refused to look up. She stapled three pieces of paper together before moving the newly formed packet to the side. 

"Agent May." Workplace. This was the workplace. She couldn't be Melinda here. 

"No." She didn't know why she was playing these games with him. She had to go with him. Fury ordered it. 

"So you've been briefed." _More than you know._

"I'm not going back in the field." She couldn't look him in the eye. He had been home for almost a week now and she still avoided eye contact. He slept in the guest bedroom and she fell asleep alone while they were at home. 

"Yeah. You've got such a nice set up here. You ever thought about adding a mote?" When she had originally left the field, he would visit her downstairs and try to get her to decorate the cubicle. She had refused everytime. After he had died she taped a picture of him up that she kept hidden behind papers and boxes. 

She looked up at him, into his blue eyes that carried her away the first day she met him. Her heart skipped a beat as she tried her best not to find the joke enjoyable. 

"I just need you to drive the bus." She looked away. She had already seen the bus. She knew where the phone was. "Liaise ground transpo, some on-site supervision. This isn't a combat op." 

_Deny him. You have to sell it._ Fury's voice rang through her head. "Then you don't need me."

"I do." She found that hard to believe. She failed him. More than once. She had failed him in Bahrain. She had failed him during the battle of New York. Hell, she was failing him now by continuing this act. "'cause we'll be running ourselves. Picking the ops, making the calls." Her eyes followed him as he walked. God she had missed him so much. She didn't understand why she was pushing herself away, she just was. That's what she always did. "No red tape. This is where they actually make the red tape, isn't it?"

She couldn't help the smile that broke out across her face. Phil had joked about her administration job so many times that when he does joke about it, it shouldn't be funny. Somehow it always is. Even if it's not funny, it brings a smile to her face. Especially now, because he's _here_ and he's _himself._

" _Melinda."_ The almost intimate slip up made her raise her head to look at him once more. He had said her name when he was finally allowed back home, before they had hugged then parted ways. 

"You're really just asking me to drive the bus?" That is all Phil is asking. Fury's asking more of her. 

"I'm not asking." A smirk lay on his lips as he began walking away. "It's a really nice bus." 

Before he was fully gone he leaned down, planting a soft kiss on her cheek and whispering a small, " _I love you."_ Her eyes drifted close as his breath tickled her cheek. Once they reopened, he was gone and the smile was once again back on her face. PDA in the workplace was something they had often refrained from, so everytime they so much as brushed hands while working, a shiver ran down her spine. 

  
" _I love you, too."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do not own agents of shield or majority of the characters that appear in this story. all rights go to marvel.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this one might have May sort of ooc, but this is my headcanon as to what she is like behind closed doors

They had left at the same time, Melinda in her SHIELD issued tactical SUV and Phil in Lola. She had almost laughed when he said he was bringing the red car onto the bus, a small smile forcing its way through. Before he had planted a quick kiss on her cheek and got into the car. She felt the ghost of his lips on her cheek the entire drive to the airfield. 

She had managed to get there before him, giving her time to put her bag in her bunk and throw on her tactical uniform. The gear felt foreign on her body, after almost six years without feeling the familiar fabrics on her skin. She had goosebumps running up and down her arms from pure nostalgia. She quickly shook it off, forcing herself back to reality. 

She strode through the plane with faux confidence, trying to mask the purr anxiety she felt. She gave herself a minute once she had reached the cockpit, setting up the plane for take off. A failed attempt to settle the pit in her stomach consisted of deep breathing that she had taught so many rookies in the past. It frustrated her to no end that her own methods that she had used for years were failing her. 

_ Go to hell, Fury.  _ The thought circled her brain several times since she found out that Phil was alive. It was only now that she wished she had gotten one good hit in before she had left his office that day. His voice telling her to  _ commit to the mission  _ plagued her mind constantly. 

With one final deep breath, Melinda left the solitude of the cockpit, hoping to leave her emotions there. Her entire body felt numb as she approached Phil and the specialist.  _ Ward,  _ she reminded herself. Phil's smile gave her a bubble of warmth in her chest, bursting and filling her heart with a happiness she hasn't felt in months. A smile threatened to paint itself across her face, her anxiety releasing for a blissful few seconds. However, that pit of worry balled itself up again and those feelings were gone. She had a job to do. 

She tried to ignore Ward's looks of wonder as she began speaking. "If you plan to unpack, make it fast. We take off in five." Her strong voice was another foreign feeling, more so than the fabric that lay on her skin. She hadn't needed to have that strong, commanding voice. She was administration. You didn't need to command a room in administration. She continued speaking and couldn't help but notice the look of pride in Phil's eyes. She couldn't tell if he was proud of himself or her. It could be both. Proud of himself for finally getting his own team. Proud of her for finally getting out of the office. Regardless of who it was for, his eyes were so full of life it was almost easy to forget he had  _ died.  _

She reminded the two agents to make sure their belongings were secure before take off. She made her way back to the cockpit, all confidence gone once she was alone. She had let out a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding once she was seated. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back, a moment of peace before the mission. Being alone gave her time to think. She didn't know how she was going to keep these secrets from him. It was already clawing at her heart constantly every time he said something about Tahiti. She wished it was just that simple. A simple vacation to a beautiful island. Instead it was an experiment that shouldn't have been done. 

With a sigh she opened her eyes and placed on her glasses, flipping switches as she prepared to take off. She looked forward, out into the open world as the doors of the hanger opened up. 

"I hate Nick Fury."

********

Melinda was  _ beyond  _ pissed. Her head and back were aching and she had told herself she was  _ not  _ going to be doing any combat. Phil  _ promised  _ her it wasn't going to be a combat op.  _ Fury  _ had promised her she wasn't going to have to do anything other than drive the bus. Despite all that she found herself lying awake in her bed, with a headache, back pain, and regret. With another quick rub to her temples, she swung her legs over the side of the bed. Her bare feet hit the carpeted floor, the rough material scratching at her skin. 

She walked down the dark walkway, making her way to the kitchen area. She filled up the kettle with water, setting it on the small stove to boil. She reached up to one of the wooden cabinets, her back stretching and causing her to pull back and place her hand on the small of her own back. 

She heard the soft patter of another pair of feet behind her. She turned her head to find out who the intruder was. Phil was standing beside her, reaching up to grab the box of tea she had just attempted to grab. 

"Thought you could use some help." He gave her a soft smile before reaching to another cabinet and grabbing a mug. She accepted both items with a small smile. 

"Thank you." She placed the tea bag in the mug and leaned against the counter, one hand massaging her back and the other rubbing her temple. Phil stepped forward and grabbed both of her hands and pulled her away from the counter. "What are you doing?" She asked with a little more worry in her voice than she wished. Without answering, he stepped behind her and began massaging her lower back with both hands. Melinda sighed at the slight relief she felt from the movements. 

She also enjoyed the intimacy of the moment. They hadn't been able to do anything like this since he came back. First it was from pure shock of seeing him alive, then it was the stress of building a team. She felt his breath on her neck as he leaned down and kissed the side of her neck. She sucked in a breath as he worked up, landing on her cheek. She swiftly turned around to allow their lips to meet. 

She found her heart stopping. The shock from her forcefulness knocked the breath out of her lungs. As Phil kissed back she closed her eyes, easing into the intimate gesture. After a minute they both pulled back, the need for air outweighing the need for each other. With the dim light of the kitchen she could see Phil's dopey grin. 

"Well that was nice. Kind of unexpected, but in a good way of course. It's been a long time. Not that it's your fault, it's completely mine." Phil rambled and Melinda could suppress the soft laugh that escaped. She put a finger to his lips and quickly shushed him. 

"Calm down there, Hot Shot." She removed her finger and replaced it with her lips. She couldn't help the fluttering in her chest and the tightening of her stomach. The feeling of warmth and safety filled every cell and her body. She felt  _ home.  _ She lifted her arms, ignoring the strain on her back, and placed them on his shoulders. The pounding of her head was forgotten, as well as the boiling water and tea mug. They were both so wrapped up in the moment. 

Once they finally pulled away for the second time, she couldn't wipe off the dopey grin on her own face. Phil gave her another quick kiss before grabbing the steaming kettle and pouring some of the water into the mug. This was the first thing in  _ weeks  _ that had truly felt real. For a while she had just been going through the motions. Too worried about Phil finding out what she knows, what she's hiding. For just a moment she was able to live in the moment and just be. It was just her and Phil. 

Phil turned and handed her the mug, along with two white pills. She immediately scoffed and grabbed the mug, shying away from taking the medication. Phil gave her  _ that  _ look, and pushed his hand towards her. "Take them. It'll help with the back and the head." She opened her mouth to argue, Phil giving her  _ that  _ look again, forcing herself to rethink it. She just rolled her eyes and took the pills, quickly throwing them back and washing it down with the hot tea. "Thank you." He reached out to grab her hand, walking her towards the couch. She slowly followed behind, holding the mug steadily so it didn't spill. Once they reached the couch, he grabbed the tea from her hands and placed it on the table, adding a coaster underneath. 

He sat down before her, opening his arms for her to place herself in them. She rolled her eyes and smirked, easing herself down and into the safety of his arms. He wrapped them around her torso, the warmth of his body immediately seeped through her shirt. He leaned his head over, kissing her cheek once again. The warmth rose to her cheeks and she felt like a newlywed all over again. He pulled away and spoke. 

"I'm sorry." Melinda furrowed her eyebrows and looked up at him. 

"What?"

"There wasn't supposed to be any combat. If I thought Mike was going to do that, I wouldn't have sent you, any of you." Melinda shook her head and sighed. 

"Phil-"

"You really don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry."

"Phil, you idiot, it's fine. Seriously. There are risks with fieldwork, that's just how it is. I signed on for this."

"But I said there would be no fieldwork. I promised."  _ So did Fury.  _ She added in her head. She shook her head again. She didn't want him feeling guilty. While she  _ really  _ didn't want any combat, (which he didn't know she had actually taken part in) she was fine. Tired, sore, and frustrated? For sure. Did she blame him for anything that had happened? Hell no. She would forever blame Fury for all the shit that has and will happen. She would never admit it allowed, but she blamed herself too. If she had just put her foot down and refused, none of this would be happening. 

"Honestly Phil it's fine.  _ I'm  _ fine." She gave him a quick kiss and turned her head back, closing her eyes and melting into him. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, the warm light from the kitchen just added to the comfortable atmosphere. After weeks of feeling unsettled, she was able to find her footing. 

After just one mission with Phil. It surprised her how easily she fell back into his arms, literally and figuratively. Maybe if she had tried this years ago, things would have been fixed sooner. Though, there are things that won't ever be fixed. Bahrain had changed her, in some ways that can't be fixed by time or therapy or anything. They're scars that won't fade. She just wondered that if she hadn't pushed him away, she could have been there during the Battle Of New York. 

She felt her eyelids growing heavy and before she knew it, Phil had taken her in his arms bridal style and was carrying her. In her half asleep state, she felt herself being placed onto what she assumed was her bed. He pulled the blanket over her and placed a kiss on her forehead. She couldn't help the smile that crept onto her lips as the whispered, "I love you," echoed through the room. 

********

She tried desperately to ignore the stares of Fitz, Simmons, and Skye.  _ The Calvary  _ hung heavily in the room, causing Melinda more than a little bit of uneasiness. She left the cargo bay, through the stairs above the lab and into the common area. She dodged the workers that were rebuilding the walls of the Bus. She shook her head and rubbed her wrist, the lingering ache of dislocation reminding her of the day's torturous events. 

She knocked slightly at the wooden door, a soft "come in" prompted her to twist the door handle and walk through the threshold. Phil's neck craned over the desk, his hand twisting fast as he wrote his report on today's mission. His head turned up slightly, his blue eyes following and tracing Melinda's form. 

"Hey." His voice was still soft, full of more admiration then Melinda could ever handle. "Slingshot was pretty cool to see in action." The foolish smile that was plastered across his face forced her to tamp down the happiness that rose from her belly to her heart, threatening a smile to erupt from her lips. "I'm sorry for everything that happened with Reyes, are you okay?" 

Melinda nodded her head. "I'm fine. And it's not your fault." Her voice cracked.  _ Shit.  _ She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes, Phil was in front of her. His eyes were full of concern and love. She diverted her own brown eyes to the ground, unable to look straight into his. She couldn't take the guilt she felt knowing that he trusted her and cared about her so much and she was betraying him. 

She felt a rough finger brush against her chin, sending a shiver down her spine. The finger traced the outline of her jaw, stopping where it had started and pushing up slightly. She allowed her head to be moved and her eyes traced Phil's body until they landed in the sea of Phil's. Her chest tightened as he brushed his finger against her cheek, the rough print of his index finger caused goosebumps to rise on her skin. 

"What happened, Mel?" She couldn't help the tears that began to form in her eyes. 

"They know." Her voice was a whisper, barely audible. Phil obviously strained to understand, but Melinda didn't speak again. Her voice would crack, the tears would fall, and she would be broken again. She would be vulnerable and exposed and she couldn't be. She wasn't important. Her problems were six years old, she couldn't allow them to interfere with the job she was doing now. Phil's problems were fresh, they had no time to age. While hers were scars, his were recently stitched. 

"Know what, Melinda?" She knew she had been too cryptic. She would now have to explain what she meant, and she didn't want to. She just wanted to bottle it up and throw it away, get rid of it for good. The hand that didn't cradle her cheek reached to grab her hand, and Melinda couldn't breathe. In an instant, Phil's face morphed into a little girl's,  _ Katya.  _ Her entire body jerked back, tears slipping from her eyes and suddenly, Phil was there again. 

" _ The Cavalry."  _ Understanding and sympathy repainted Phil's face. He stepped forward, stopping halfway through to make sure he wouldn't trigger something. After making sure it was okay, he opened his arms, embracing her. Something inside Melinda snapped, her face burrowing in Phil's neck. She couldn't stop the flow of tears, even though she wished more than anything that they would stop. 

Phil stroked her ebony hair, whispering sweet nothings in hopes to provide her some sort of comfort. However much Melinda hated to admit it, it did help. Her husband's gigantic heart made Melinda feel safe, safer than she ever had before. 

"It's okay. You're safe. It's okay." His soft voice caused an unexplainable swell of joy, even in this moment of absolute  _ weakness.  _ "I love you so much, Melinda. I'll always love you. You're my world." Her head pounded with confusion. She didn't know how to feel right now. Scared, vulnerable, weak for starters but also safe, loved,  _ wanted.  _ The only way she could let out the blizzard of emotions was by crying, six months of built up frustration and self-loathing pouring out in a time where she was unimportant. 

"I'm so sorry." Melinda's shaky voice broke through Phil's mumbled ramblings. "I'm so sorry." Phil didn't respond, simply held her close as the tears disappeared, leaving behind a shell with too many emotions to comprehend. Emotions that Melinda didn't want, feelings she wished would stay away forever. She constantly wished she was as everybody saw, a robot void of happiness, sadness, anxiety, guilt, frustration, all of it. 

"It's okay, Mel. It's all okay." He was the reason she deep down didn't want those emotions to go away. She still wanted to be able to love him and to feel the love he gave her. He truly was the best thing to happen to her, just as she had said at his funeral. She wouldn't be anywhere without him, much less happy. 

She pulled away and he brought his left hand up, the chill of his ring radiated throughout her body, a reminder of the life they had made together bringing a never ending sense of pride and joy. A smile plastered her face and it was completely inappropriate for the mood, considering what had just happened. She could see the matching smile that caked Phil's features. 

"You don't have to be sorry for anything. I know nothing is going to change how you feel about what happened, that's fine. You don't have to change. Just know that I'm always here if you need to cry." Melinda couldn't stop herself from getting on her tiptoes and bringing Phil's head down slightly. Their lips connected and the sparks flew, just as they always had. The soft kiss just affirmed her feelings of safeness. 

"I know, Phil. I know."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> episodes 1.06, 1.08, & 1.09

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible tw for ptsd

She hated nothing in this world more than being cold towards Phil Coulson. Her mind had been broken in two for weeks. Melinda and Agent May. Melinda hated agent May. May was a cold, distant woman who was committed to the mission and nothing more. May couldn't stand some of Phil's decisions and would argue them. Agent May was there because Phil Coulson told her to be. Everyone was afraid of agent May, and agent May preferred it that way. 

That wasn't Melinda. Melinda was a flame, full of a burning passion for her husband and her job. She loved Phil with every inch of her heart, every fiber of her being and hated arguing with him. Melinda was there because she loved her husband and she would do anything for him. Melinda hated that all the team was able to see her as was a terrifying kill bot. 

For six weeks her brain was forced into two different realities. She knew Phil couldn't be doing much better. He was torn between being the husband he had craved to be since he came back, and the team commander who treated everyone on his team equally. He couldn't put favoritism on her just because she was his wife. It was the threshold between Phil and Coulson. While Coulson and May cared about each other, they could never share the intimacy that Phil and Melinda had. 

After an emotionally exhausting day, Melinda wanted nothing more than that intimacy. She wanted Phil to hold her close and leave soft kisses on her cheek while whispering sweet nothings in her ear. The thought alone caused her heart to flutter with anticipation. 

Her heart thrummed softly in her chest as she quietly approached the already open office door. Her lips threatened to curl into a smile as she saw Phil standing there. It still blew her mind, that even after six weeks Phil was standing there. Alive. Her heartbeat quickened with pure excitement, before she quickly squashed it and slowed her heart rate. 

"How's simmons?" A simple way to ignite a conversation with him. The aforementioned doctor had been through a lot that day, more than she bargained for.  _ There's a lot of that going around,  _ Melinda thought but never dared to say aloud. 

Phil dropped the file he was reading back onto the desk. He turned to face her and she began swimming in those ocean eyes. "Amazingly resilient. You'd never know she almost died." Melinda knew he was right, but she also knew from experience that her resilience could very well just be a front that she put up in front of everyone else. Not wanting to seem weak was everyone's biggest downfall. 

"An experience like that, takes a while to sink in." Her eyes drifted to file once again and then back to Phil. "That her medical report?" She didn't really need to ask, but it seemed better than assuming. 

Phil looked down at the file, then back up at her. "Mine actually." Her breath caught in her throat. "Blood work finally came back. I'm perfectly normal." In any other situation Melinda would have breathed a sigh of relief, but her lungs still tightened with anxiety. "A little heavy on the iron. Don't worry, you don't have to start calling me Iron Man." The smirk that erupted on her face was there before she even knew. The familiar tug of happiness pulled at her heart. 

"You wish." There she was. All of Agent May was gone and Melinda was back. She was more than relieved to finally shake off that list bit of ice that was still there. Thanks to Phil's awful humor, there stood Phil and Melinda. Husband and wife. 

Her small smile faded as Phil looked back and forth between herself and the file, once, then twice, then a third before he finally looked straight at her. "My doctors never requested any tests. I ordered them for myself." Though Melinda already knew this, it didn't stop her head from spinning. When Melinda had given Fury the team she had made him promise to give her any test results that came from his doctors. If she was going to do this she had to be up to date on everything that was happening with him. Fury (with reluctance) agreed and that was that. "But, you knew that." 

Melinda couldn't dignify the accusation with more than a nod. If she spoke she feared her voice would crack and the lie would crumble from beneath her feet. She swallowed the lump in her throat and waited for Phil to continue. "This." He pointed to the file. "Piece of paper. Is telling me that everything's fine, but I don't feel fine. I feel…different." Medically, Melinda knew everything was fine. However, she made the realization that nobody took the time to see how this was mentally affecting him. Of course they tested for psychological reactions to make sure he didn't react the same way the other patients did, but they never really cared to see if he was mentally dealing with this. Her heart broke as she stared at the man that she loved with all her heart. 

In a split second, Melinda spoke. "Take off your shirt." She knew she was being slightly forceful about it, but she couldn't help it. 

"Excuse me?" She knew that Phil understood that there was no physically intimate planning behind this, neither of them were ready for that yet. He especially understood that she wouldn't try and be physical right now. 

"Your shirt." Her feet began to carry her towards him. "Unbutton it." Her voice was quiet, practically a whisper and Phil began unbuttoning his shirt. He stared directly at her as he did so, struggling for a second with the first button. As he finished the second and pushed back the fabric, she stepped up and helped. 

Then there it was. Her throat constricted and her eyes burned. The jagged scar that ran along his chest, extremely close to the heart. Her fingers brushed it lightly and she looked him in the eyes. "Whether it was eight seconds, or forty,"  _ or a week,  _ she added to herself, "you died. There's no way you can go through a trauma like that and not come out unchanged. You know how long it's taken me-"

"I know." The unspoken word lingered in the air. She could tell that Phil realized that if anyone could understand how trauma can change a person, it would be her. No one he knew had been through as traumatic of an experience as Bahrain, not including his own traumatic encounter. 

"The point of these things," Her fingers brushed the sensitive scar once again, "is to remind us that there is no going back. There's only moving forward." The back of her eyes burned and her vision blurred with tears before she blinked them away. She was so sick and tired of crying. "You feel different, because you are different."

She removed her hands from where they were pushing back the fabric and placed her arms on his shoulders, resting them there as she placed her hands on the back of his neck. She felt her hands glide up her legs and land on her waist, pulling her closer. She rose up on her toes and leaned in, closing her eyes as she felt their lips meet. The soft kiss only lasted a few seconds before they both pulled away, her arms moving down and hooking underneath his arms, embracing him as he did the same to her. She breathed in his scent, the surprisingly soft smelling fragrance that he wore lingered in her nose. She closed her eyes once again and just melted into his embrace, a soft pair of lips pressing into her temple.

_ **** _

She braced herself as her arms extended, her knees bending as she leaned down. With a deep breath the fingers of her right hand curled around the mysterious metal object. Her left quickly followed as the two pieces of the staff began to glow. Immediately flashes of that night crossed her vision. Her heart was racing and the little girl's hand extended and the gunshot echoed through her head. With her adrenaline pumping, Melinda stood up her brain processing a figure running towards her. 

The rest was a blur as she began to fight that man. Her head burned and she kept seeing the little girl's face every time she blinked. As she ripped the third piece of the staff from the second assailant's hands, her vision began to blur slightly. As she swooped the woman's legs out from beneath her, the third piece of the staff began shaking as it soared up to meet the other pieces. As the staff fit together, her heartbeat picked up and her head pounded. Her leg burned with the feeling of the past gunshot wound, she could feel the blood dripping down her face from too many blows, her arms felt heavy with the body of the little girl she couldn't save. 

She forced herself to keep her composure in front of the agents, the Agent May front coming in handy at that exact moment. She hoped to god she looked a lot more collected than she felt. As she swept the staff up with more force than she thought ever possible, the enemy flew back and was down. Her arms shook as she swung the object back, before bending her knees to place it back on the ground. Her hands burned as she let go of the alien material. A quick surge of too many memories passed in front of her as she backed away. She nodded towards Skye and Ward before leaving completely. 

Her legs shook as she entered the other room. She found a place to ground herself, leaning against a desk. That's where she stood, trying to relieve her mind of the rush of emotions that she felt. Deep breathing helped and soon enough her body had stopped shaking. The shaking was replaced by an aching nausea and pounding headache, but those were things she could deal with. 

She felt a body next to her, leaning back the same way that she was. She stared straight ahead, not daring to move a single part of her body, the nausea a ringing bell in the back of her throat. She rubbed her palm, a nervous tic she had yet to get over. It was one she had since childhood, even though her mother constantly got onto her about it. Flashes of Katya still plagued her brain and she tried to will them to go away. 

The two agents just sat there, completely silent as their charged experience hung thick in the atmosphere. "When you held it."  _ Ward.  _ Her fingers continued to rub into her palm, her anticipation growing as she waited for the other specialist to continue. "Did you see anything?" Melinda swallowed the lump that had built up in her throat. With a small nod of her head that caused her stomach to lurch, her response was done. "How'd you hold all three?" Melinda wanted to scream out about how it took every bit of the strength she had to keep a hold of the staff. She wanted to yell about how she is still feeling the effects, still seeing Katya. How she could still hear the gunshot that pierced the night. How she could feel every bruise and ache that she had got rewarded with from her battle. 

She knew she couldn't. She forced herself to calm down, she couldn't get emotional. She turned her head, ignoring how she wanted nothing more than to just throw up right there and spoke to him. "Because I see it everyday." And she does. She sees that poor little girl's hand reading out to her, it's what gives her the strength to keep going. She wants to make up for all the wrong she did that one day. 

With those last whispered words, she walked away. She rubbed her forehead and ventured out to find Phil. Once she had found him in the other room, she immediately found herself enveloped in a close hug. Her body was shaking and her head was pounding, but Phil held her close and rubbed her back. She didn't even realize the tears that were streaming and the sobs that were echoing in the empty room. 

"It's okay. You're okay, Melinda." His voice soothed her nerves, yet she couldn't believe any of the words that were coming out of his mouth. Usually, she could get Phil's words through her brain and understand that what he was saying is reality. When he would say it would be okay, it would be okay. However, she couldn't take the time to truly comprehend what he was saying, her brain just automatically shut down his words of comfort. 

"No." 

"No?" His confusion was more than evident. 

"How can it be okay? How can  _ I  _ be okay? After everything,  _ everything  _ Phil, how can anything at all be okay? I killed a little girl, Phil. She had no idea what was going on, I could have gotten her to understand. Instead I let my fear control me and I  _ shot  _ her. She's dead because I am a monster. I'm a  _ murderer,  _ Phil. How do I even live with myself? Phil, I killed a girl, I killed our-" She stopped herself. She took a shaky breath before continuing. "I am a terrible human being. I've spent five years trying to convince myself that I made the right call day. There's no way that I did. I could have helped her, I could've gotten her out of there, I could've done  _ something _ . Instead I took a child's life." Her lungs spasmed and she sobbed again. Phil just stood there, stunned from the sudden outburst. He held her tightly as she shook almost violently. 

"I can't pretend to understand your situation, I've never tried to nor wanted to. Maybe you're not okay, that's fine. Maybe the whole situation isn't okay, that's fine too. I just need you to listen to me when I say that you are  _ not  _ a monster. You made a split second decision, any other agent in your situation would have done the same exact thing. I know I can't convince you, you have to do that all on your own, but I can try to get you to understand that no matter what you do or have done will ever make me stop loving you less." His hand kept rubbing her back, the ridge of his ring occasionally catching and scraping through the leather material of her uniform. 

Her heart hammered in her chest as she went, the pounding headache and nagging nausea increasing. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Phil. I wanted to help her. I didn't want to kill her. I'm so sorry."

"I know, Melinda. I know. I forgive you. I'll always forgive you. You've just got to take the time to forgive yourself." He began to rock side to side, moving the both of them as he hummed. The sobs began to die down, the tears only falling every so often.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry, Phil. I'm sorry." Her apologizes were soft and repetitive, and she knew Phil heard her and had accepted the apology, but she couldn't stop. Her brain was a broken record. She just wanted him to know that she was sorry. 

" _ I'm sorry." _

_ **** _

Jesus christ did she need a  _ drink.  _ She was emotionally exhausted, absolutely drained. She needed something strong, something that would burn her throat. She quickly threw down some cash before grabbing the bottle of scotch off the counter and walking away. She didn't wait to see the reaction from the bartender, just wanting to get the alcohol in her system. 

After her breakdown with Phil - and everything that came with picking up an alien staff that made her see possibly the worst moment of her entire life - she was on edge. She stared at the ground the entire walk to her room, the moment her eyes drifted up she saw another figure in the hallway. Ward's eyes met hers and she could see the loneliness in his eyes. She drifted her eyes to the bottle of scotch in her hands and back up to Ward. She nodded her head towards the door, unlocking it and leaving it open for him to follow. 

She placed the bottle on the side table and waited as Ward walked in, closing the door behind him. She pulled off her shoes, placing them at the edge of the bed. Melinda grabbed the scotch bottle and popped it open as Ward sat on the other side. She pulled out one of the cups that the hotel room provided, and poured a generous amount into the cup. She handed it to Ward as she did the same to her own cup. 

They both sipped at the cup before Melinda finally spoke. "Do you want to talk about it?" A beat. "What you saw when you held it." Her elaboration must have gotten through to him as she felt the bed shift. Ward had gotten up and walked over to the chair in the room that faced her. 

She took another sip and finally took a moment to let it sit. It burned her tongue, the smooth taste sitting before she swallowed. The liquid was hot as it made its way down. Her analysis of the drink was broken by Ward's voice. 

"Um, I don't talk about it much. There was a well. My brother." She pretty much could put it together from there, and she could understand why it was what he saw. A traumatic experience for such a young kid, it would surely resonate for the rest of his life. "And you? Want to talk about it?" She didn't speak for a moment, she could see the wheels turning in his head. "Does it have to do with-"

"Don't say it." She snapped, quicker than she wanted to. She hated that stupid  _ fucking  _ nickname more than anything in this life. "I'm sorry, I just-," Her heart stuttered in her chest. She didn't want to tell him but he had already been half vulnerable with her, she might as well return the favor. "It is about that. Bahrain. I went in, tried to solve the problem. Turns out the solution was more than we had bargained for. I had to make a decision that no agent should ever have to."

Ward's look of sympathy (as sympathetic that a face as stoic as his could get) washed over his face. "You had to-"

"It doesn't matter what I had to do. Just know that I didn't want to do it." And with that the conversation was over. They sat in silence for a while, the occasional sips and pouring of scotch being the only noises in the room. 

Before long, Ward left. The scotch was half empty and Melinda's eyelids were getting heavier by the second. She quickly got out of her clothes and into shorts and a tank top. She was practically half asleep by the time the light was off and she was in the bed. The last thing she registered was Phil slipping in, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer. The dopey smile on her face followed her into a blissful sleep. 

_ **** _

Her legs couldn't stop shaking, her stomach was twisting and it took every bit of her strength not to vomit the minute she stepped back onto the bus. She immediately rushed to her quarters and threw open the attached bathroom door. She barely had time to process anything that was happening as she threw open the toilet lid and found herself on her knees, stomach emptying into the toilet. Her throat burned and her stomach had this nagging ache as she leaned away from the porcelain. Her eyes were closed and sweat dripped down her face as she willed the waves of nausea that were crashing over her to just  _ go away.  _ She groaned lightly as she heard footsteps approach the bathroom. 

In seconds, she felt a hand on her forehead before it pulled away and was replaced with a towel, wiping away the sweat. "Hey, you don't look so hot. Well, you do look  _ hot  _ and that's kind of the problem. I mean, you're sweating, that just makes me assume you're not. This has nothing to do with your physical appearance, you're gorgeous as always-" A small quirk of her lips must have alerted him. "I'll stop now." She couldn't help but reach for him. Her arm extended until it came in contact with his, she wrapped her hand around and opened her eyes. His eyes were filled with concern and she wished she could push all his worries away. She wished he didn't have to be that concerned about her all the time. He had enough to worry about with everything that happened to him, he didn't need to worry about her stupid weaknesses. 

"How you feeling? I know it's a dumb question, but I thought I might as well ask." A small smile layered on his face and she couldn't stop her lips from mimicking his. The miming must of caught his attention as he placed a hand on her cheek, the concern in his eyes softening.

"I'm okay. Just a little sick. Nothing you need to worry about." She used him as support to stand up and walk to the sinking, flushing the toilet on the journey there. Her legs were shaky but she successfully made it to the white sink, turning the knob to allow the water to flow. She grabbed her toothbrush and ran it under the water before grabbing the mint flavored toothpaste that sat on the counter by the sink. She applied the appropriate amount and quickly began brushing her teeth. 

While doing so, she caught a glance of herself in the mirror. To say she looked like complete and utter  _ shit  _ you would be an understatement. The bags under her eyes were more than obvious, her skin was pale, sweat beaded slowly down and her eyes were especially dark. Over the past week since the staff incident, her self-care had been at an all time low. She barely slept, nightmares plaguing when she did. She barely ate, only consuming enough to keep her in the field. She avoided the things that would usually trigger a flash, such as holding hands with Phil when they cuddled. Her entire life revolved around what that stupid staff had done to her and she was so  _ fucking  _ tired of it. 

She shook her head and finished brushing her teeth, throwing the toothbrush down and leaving the bathroom. Melinda tugged off the top of her uniform, the room getting too hot to stand as she seethed. Phil followed behind her, visibly confused. "Mel?"

Her head snapped up and she looked him right in the eyes. "Phil, I'm so tired. I'm tired of being nauseous and sick. I'm tired of having to avoid holding you close. I'm tired of being  _ tired.  _ I just want all this to go away."

"It won't, It  _ can't _ just go away. It's going take time. And it sucks, but I know you're strong enough to get through this. I know all my sappy hope speeches are getting annoying, but it's the truth. You've got this, Melinda." The bright smile on his face was genuine. "You're on this plane and you're getting better. I know the staff was a setback, but it was a teeny bump in the road." She knew he was right and she cursed him for being right so damn much. She had been getting better, that much reflected in the way Melinda and Agent May carried themselves. They both had been getting comfortable with the environment and with the team and it was bringing out the best in her. 

"Yeah, yeah you're right. I'm sorry for blowing up at you. You shouldn't have to continue to deal with that."

"Eh, it comes with loving you. It's a risk that I'm completely willing to deal with. I love you, Melinda."

Melinda stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Phil. "I love you too." They sat in silence for a moment before Melinda spoke up again. "Since I'm getting better, I was thinking of doing something."

"Oh, do tell."

"Fitz is asleep. There's a full can of whipped cream in the fridge." She couldn't help the mischievous grin that stretched across her features. Phil mirrored the smile and let out a soft laugh. 

"You're an evil woman, Melinda May- _ Coulson. _ "

"That I am, Phil Coulson."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i lowkey hated this chapter but i needed to get episode eight out of the way. let me know what you guys think :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> melinda is melinda and everyone is concerned about her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi there! sorry this took so long but i just had no motivation to write lol
> 
> also, im very sorry about how unbearably short this is. it's more of a filler because i wanted to get SOMETHING out considering its been over two months since i have updated this.
> 
> its also lowkey trash but whatever. let me know what you guys think :)

Melinda May would never admit to weakness, never. She barely ever shared her weaknesses with Phil, so there was no way she was going to admit it to the scientist currently drilling her about her recent eating habits. To herself, she had to admit that she wasn't eating as well as she should be. Especially considering the fact that she was constantly doing physical activity. Ever since the Berserker staff, any type of sustenance that wasn't tea or granola bars seemed unappealing. The sight of food made her stomach queasy so she decided just to live without. 

She beat herself up about it, constantly. She prided herself in being peak physical condition, no matter what. Even during her time in the administration department, she kept up with her workouts and eating habits. The only time things fell short was after Bahrain, meaning that this was really bad. However, it did make sense. She practically relived that entire day in a matter of seconds. She could feel the tears, blood, and sweat streaming down her entire body. She could hear the gunshot that ended everything echoing through her head. She could see Phil's worry as he comforted her in the back of that ambulance. Everything from that night had come back with a vengeance, even the little things she had forgotten. The way her leg bled and her stomach cramped. The weight of Katya's body in her arms. The sound of Phil's voice in her ears. 

She was broken from her self-pity by the sound of Jemima Simmons's voice, "Are you even listening to me Agent May?" 

Melinda stiffly nodded. "Yes." It was short and curt and honestly Melinda could care less. She was tired and fuzzy and all she wanted to do was lay down. "But none of this matters. I'm fine."

"With all due respect ma'am, you're not fine. You're malnourished and you've lost a significant amount of weight. I can almost see your ribs, which is a major cause for worry. Agent Coulson has also expressed his worry." Melinda groaned. Of course he had. Because he was annoyingly caring like that. 

"Agent Simmons. I'm fine. If I wasn't fine, you'd know. Now if you'll excuse me I'd like to leave." And with that Melinda was off the examination bed and out the lab doors. She quickly stepped up the stairs and into the common room. She rushed past Skye and Fitz who were laughing and working on a computer. She quickly made her way into Coulson's office and shut the door. 

"Hey I was just about to-"

"You told Simmons?" She quickly cut him off, frustrated by all the poking and prodding she had been through in the last thirty minutes. 

"Melinda I'm sorry. I was just worried." The sincerity in his voice made her want to scoff. He was such a good  _ fucking  _ person and she was a monster. He was worried about her and she is being an absolute bitch to him. 

"Why didn't you come to me? You didn't have to tell Simmons."

"Melinda, if I had come to you about it you would have just shrugged it off. Which you're obviously doing know but I thought Jemma could talk some sense into you. Give you the medical facts and what-not."

Checkmate. He was right, because he was always right. She was doing what she always did. Bottling up her true problems and projecting nothing but anger and frustration. 

Phil stood from his spot at his desk. She braced herself as he walked toward her, placing his hands on her arms. He squeezed her upper arms and smiled at her. "I'm sorry I didn't come to you first. I just want to see you get better. I love you, Melinda. So much."

Melinda's heart melted. Her chest was filled with a warmth and her cheeks blushed an embarrassing shade of red. Even after two decades of marriage, he was able to make her blush like he did when they were freshman cadets at the Academy. She couldn't help the smile that stretched across her face as she was reminded of the stupid jokes and boyish flirting that a twenty-three year old Phil Coulson would use to swoon a twenty-one year old Melinda May. 

"I want you to feel okay again." Phil whispered as he leaned forward, pressing his lips against hers. She sighed and leaned into the warmth. She felt his hands travel up her body, settling on each side of her face, pulling her forward as she felt the warmth of his palms settle on her cheeks, the metal of his ring imprinting on her left. She could have cried from the sheer amount of physical contact that she had missed so desperately in the months that he was gone. 

Melinda nodded, snuggling her cheek into Phil's palm. "I love that you care so much. But I'm fine, I promise." She ended the statement with a smile, hoping to reassure him,  _ and get him off my goddamn back _ , she added to herself. She loved the man to death, but he worried about her too much. He had always cared about her too much for his own good, but he'd been more tentative after Bahrain. Now with the Berserker staff, she knows that he's going to be ten times as worried. 

"I love you, Melinda." He leaned down, she got up on the tip of her toes. Their lips connected and Melinda's eyes slipped closed. Her breath caught in her throat and she let out a sigh. Their lips disconnected, yet they remained close. Phil brought down his forehead, touching it to her own. That goofy smile plastered across her face as they stood there, wrapped up in their own world. 

They barely heard the three raps at the door, only pulling away from each other when the door opened. Melinda turned around, releasing herself from Phil's grasp. She took a step away from him, changing from the affectionate Melinda to the distant May. Skye walked in, a pink blush rising to her cheeks, as if she had just walked in on her parents. 

She cleared her throat before speaking, "AC, can we talk?" Melinda turned to Phil and nodded at him before leaving his office, giving Skye a nod of acknowledgement as she left. 

****

Melinda was beyond frustrated. Skye wouldn't stop digging into her past, beyond desperate to find her parents. They were working with Mike Peterson which left a constant headache raging in the back of skull. Frankly, it seemed like the universe had a personal vendetta against her. Her stomach clenched as she threw back her head, swallowing the two little pills that were previously in her hand. She shut her eyes, taking a deep breath as the water and medicine made their way down to the bottom of her stomach. 

As her eyelids inched open, the soft pattering of footsteps cut through the silence of the kitchen. Once her eyes opened fully, she could make out Simmons, her long hair pulled back in a ponytail and her eyes filled with worry. Melinda suppressed an eye roll as she sighed and let her hands grip the counter she was leaning on. 

"Agent Simmons?" A stern acknowledgment came out of the older woman as she closed her eyes once again. The ache in the back of her head had yet to go away and she was beyond tired of being lectured.

“Agent May. I know we talked earlier but I wanted you to-” Melinda shook her head and shushed the young woman.

“I really don’t want to talk about this with you again.”

“Fine. I’ll talk, you’ll listen.” Melinda was about to protest when she was cut off by the agent’s stern voice. “I’m worried, Agent Coulson is worried. Skye is worried. We are all worried about you. Your eating habits are concerning and almost dangerous. I haven’t seen you eat more than granola bars in almost two weeks. I know you don’t think highly of me or the work I do, but you need to take better care of yourself.”

That truly threw Melinda for a loop. The weight of what she had said made Melinda dizzy, her heart aching in a way it hadn’t before. How could she let that poor girl believe that? Jemma was one of the smartest human beings that Melinda knew and she for sure understood that she wouldn’t be able to do her job if it wasn’t for the scientist in their labs.

  
She shook her head and opened her eyes, letting go of the counter and standing up straight. Melinda wanted nothing more than to be able to comfort the girl, but the closer she got the more she could see  _ her  _ face. Her heart skipped a beat and she placed her mask back on. “Agent Simmons, I have nothing but respect for you and the job that you do. I wouldn’t be able to do anything that I do if it wasn’t for the work that you do, but this isn’t a professional matter. This is personal, and frankly I don’t want you poking through my private life. I understand your concern, I do, but I think it’d be best if you just stayed out of it.” And with that Melinda was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about that GARBAGE, ill try and update soon and make it a lot better and a lot longer.


End file.
